Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
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may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?