[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
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Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.