@Parentpains: Sometimes you just need to reach out and touch someone. With a shovel. On the side of the head.
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@TheToddWilliams: [office] ME: I'm back from vacation! BOSS: It's been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice! ME: No, a week on Venus...which is 1701 days
@Poutymcgee: Friend: *passes me her newborn baby* Me: What is this clothed potato and why have you given it to me?
@ColesTwitt3r: i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
@AndrewChamings: PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little. KID: Okay. PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.