[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
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I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.