[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
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If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat