Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
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Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
There’s never enough good news
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
My beach vacation Google searches
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.