CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
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If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.