If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
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*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth