I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
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I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Hell yeah 👍
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee