What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
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date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”