If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
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“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!