If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
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I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
¯_(ツ)_/¯