Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
You Might Also Like
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.