Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
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The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Pat is about to own someone
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?