@jimmy_sharpe: Sometimes you've got to ask yourself: 'Why am I talking to myself?'
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@ranndrew: "How'd the date go?" Not good. Too many red flags. *Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags* I think she might be a communist.
@SortaBad: Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife? Me: "I do" Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
@Abusitron: *runs in out of breath* Friend: what's going on? Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me Friend: Ok *waits* *bear runs in, also out of breath*
@EndhooS: Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water Me: Oh god... Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now? Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN'T SWIM