Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
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Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
Previously On Persistence 😎
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname