@TheWadest: Somewhere, a ninja watches "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant." An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. "Damn right you didn't."
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@knot_eye: Me: You say all the right things. Her: I didn't say anything. Me: Shhh Don't ruin this for me.
@clindsaysway: An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It's a wonder children can sleep at all.
@_coryrichardson: wife: don’t be weird, just talk to him about it me: ok [later] me: so, you have a gf now? haha. cool, well listen son... girls are uh.. girls are like *looks around room* alarm clocks. You shouldn’t have sex with them... but if you do, use a condom
@MableGertrude: Oh, so you make the bed everyday...I suppose you're also the type of snob that folds your clothes and puts them in "drawers."