@GianDoh: Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, "Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?"
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@figgled: Me: don't 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇 Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
@underchilde: [Bank robber]: “Time to make a hasty escape.” *Passes a store window full of kittens* *Stands there for six hours*
@ericsshadow: THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming* ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
@abbycohenwl: Me: Why am I suddenly sick? Friend: Probably the change in the Weather [earlier] Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*