Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
You Might Also Like
Stop.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in