@GianDoh: Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, "Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?"
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@Aspersioncast: I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I'm a hippy and start talking about recycling.
@tweetofclay: That's so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
@Gooooats: Me: What's for dinner? Wife: Casserole. Me: Wrong! (hands wife forged doctor's prescription for tacos) We're eating tacos.
@tylerschmall: "Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria." "What's Updog?" "[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati