Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
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a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
Dietest Coke
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?