Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
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Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
Awwwww shit.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.