The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
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sigh
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends