my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
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[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?