@juneohara65: Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
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@stephenjmolloy: "Ah, Mr Bond, I-" *closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers* "-wasn't expecting you."
@w00f_w00f: Hate it when couples fight & change their relationship status to "single". I fight with my parents, and don't change my status to "orphan".
@jjax44: A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe? John Cougar Melon Camp
@chrissyteigen: I just realized that when I murder someone my neighbors will never describe me as "quiet"