Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
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me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
eating my hot dog hamburger style
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out