Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
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If I ignore life will it go away?
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
(Electricians.)
(Gaming support cat.)