Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
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I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.