How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
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*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]