Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
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Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
Wait a minute
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?