@KKAlThani: Somewhere right now, a girl just uploaded a picture of herself saying "Not looking good today" after deleting the first 50 pictures she took
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@Brianhopecomedy: When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, "I think it's Santa Claus!" so I don't have to get up.
@TheMichaelRock: Coworker: What did you do on vacation? Me: Didn't come to work. Coworker: I know that! Me: Good. Glad you understand how vacations work.
@5oulhealer: When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn't deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.