“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
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my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.