Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
You Might Also Like
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else