Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
You Might Also Like
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
The struggle is real.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*