Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
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A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!