@JasonLastname: Somewhere there's a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
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@WPLGLocal10: Man arrested after accidentally texting probation officer asking if he had any weed
@Your_Boy_Dylan: How did girls text before emojis? Hey I can't wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
@hippieswordfish: ME: *opens planner and puts on reading glasses* no im sorry looks like i can't make it FRIEND: you're holding a VCR warranty brochure
@TheHyyyype: Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don't look a day over 30.