Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
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This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…