@JasonLastname: Somewhere there's a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
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@Marlebean: Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but... well you'll see soon enough.
@Prof_Hinkley: Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Off duty cop: No *cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro* You're driving great, pal
@SincerelyMen: I saw a man at the beach screaming, "Help, shark, help!" I laughed because I knew the shark wasn't going to help him.
@dumbbeezie: Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don't forget what it looks like outside