Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
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Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*