Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
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Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
your honor my client chooses dare
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.