Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
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My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
*pronounces patio like ratio
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*