Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
You Might Also Like
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.