Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
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[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
i did the math
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Why is everyone getting married at me
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.