Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
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I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
dutch so unserious
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.