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@DirtMcTurd: Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
@NoTheOtherJohn: Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
@CornOnTheGoblin: [sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
@meatlobes: *waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
@BritXNic: "Alcohol doesn't affect me"
*Wakes up with cornrows, a light saber and two taxidermy lizards*
@SortaBad: Me: hi :)
Woman at bar: it's loud in here, I'm sorry, did you just say "colon closed parentheses" ???