Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
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I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
🐕🍷
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.