Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
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Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
as is their right
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed