Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
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The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
me logging onto twitter
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
I wish I were this cool 😂
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.