Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
You Might Also Like
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Did…did a minotaur write this
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
Weighing up my bread heating options
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.