SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
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Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Coffee for people with no kids
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
smh
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.