[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
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I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Shoo shoo! 😂
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible