Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
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Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.