ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
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I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Hello, my name is Pierre.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…