SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
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Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.