SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
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the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down