Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
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That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”