@runawaycupcake: Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
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@ericsshadow: WIFE: [crying] guess what my sister just told me ME: she's a liar WIFE: are you saying her dog didn't die? ME: [wiping sweat] I love you
@michaelianblack: Why are we making such a big deal about the wheels on the bus going round and round? They're wheels.
@ArfMeasures: ME: I worked at a zoo for a while THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that? ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories