I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
You Might Also Like
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
Are we there yet?…
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
#JohnTravolta
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.