@runawaycupcake: Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
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@wickedblondeone: I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
@cluedont: If I was Phil Collins I'd rub my belly after every meal and say 'I'm Full Collins', then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
@XoMiSsYoX: Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I'm by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. :(