@runawaycupcake: Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
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@darinlovesbacon: If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I'm very skilled at shooting aliens this way
@Storminika: You ever see your kid looking so dirty at school and don't wanna pick him up? I just drove pass mine now like, 'Hell no, that is not my kid'
@OctopusCavemann: I watched Netflix for the first time and let me tell you, I’ve seen Stranger Things.
@revengeofAA: The check engine light could be more specific...is it 'holy shit stop the car right now' or 'proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles'?