Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
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asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?