[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
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Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Our lord and savoury.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages